Today I live my days, in faith. I no longer worry with anxiety and worry in faith. I am not religious, nor do I go to church. Although I have gone to church, and I was raised Catholic, as well as explored the non-denominational churches I could not find my place. I should attend church, or even turn on my smart TV and watch a service live.
Unfortunately, I have become more withdrawn as I have aged. Each time I progressed in my career I was torn down and was not understood. I was able to recognize the signs, before I was noticed or terminated, and put my resume out there, and found work and gave my two weeks, and even worked for free for them, to help them find replacements. I always left behind great references, even though I was running from showing my fellow associates, who I really am which was a woman who spoke the language of an eighth grader and wrote as a sixth grader.
The faster I moved up in the IT positions I were in, the more challenging it was for me to communicate with my superiors. I simply just could not keep it short, and I simply was over detailed, and to OCD on all projects I did. My positions were best at entry level, and behind a computer. I become a great asset to every company I worked for, I was awarded with televisions, money, plaques, medals and more. I was employee of the month, the year and even was for the region at one company. Moving up to the next level in my career required more than, helping the public solve a problem, or fix an issue for a corporation. The excitement to be offered a promotion and the experiences I had in many positions, eventually broke me down on one pacific embarrassing work-related situation.
A little about me, I suffer from a Learning Disorder and an Emotional Disorder since 2nd grade. I also suffer resistance from a long list of touching objects a sort of anxiety disorder under the categories of phobias. As an infant I was told I was quiet, and easy to take care of. As a toddler, I was told I never left my area where I sat or laid to avoid grass, or cracks on the ground. As a child I would not shut up, and I pretty much explored everything, and I mean everything, enough for my second-grade teachers to say, that there is something wrong with me. As pre-teen I was destructive, but never did drugs, or drink. I was very daring, and nothing was going to convince me that I was doing harm to myself or to another. As a teenager I became very submissive, so submissive it was a danger to my life. Till one day my mother found me in a park, and sat me down and told me, I had two ultimatums. I took one of them and I met my husband at 19 and I am still married to him today.
I was very fun to be with, always the helper, and always the giver, but always alone in my world, and hard to have friends. In my twenties, I had so many friends, I could not keep up with all the parting they did. In my mature years, I was surrounded by many business people, and I was the person they came to for everything, even a few drinks after work. Today in my older years, I have changed, and people are different to me and I simply do not know how to find my place in this life time. I do not know how to find love, other than the blessing of my husband who is my best friend. People like me, but I tend to do a lot for them, so I have mixed emotions about that. However there giving is vice versa so it truly is not that bad, considering my history.
Yes, some have taken advantage of me, and other care so much for me, that I do not deserve that much care. I will admit that myself-esteem issues, are stronger in my forties which is now, than it has ever been. Could be due to PTS which was events that unfolded as a child, that are replaced with memories of cartoon characters that I have blocked them out but told of these events by my sisters, two childhood friends and my diaries that I had inherited when my father died. The stories I wrote in my diaries are of unspeakable acts of events that I refuse to put in words.
Another dramatic experience was witnessing my biological father whom was not a stranger to me, being strangled to death, in what I am going to call a house invasion. It was my homosexual father picking up a stranger and taking him home to have a one-night stand with him, and instead this man was straight and beat him to death instead and he knew and did not care that me and my sisters were an ear length away.
Another horrific and terrifying event was September 11, when the country was attacked by terrorist. This is the day when my family changed, and no one is the same today. We lost a great man, our step father whom is married to my mother. He called my mom and said he will call back when he gets out of the building. Shortly after the second plan hit the second tower. I watch that plane hit, and the entire event of my biological father dead hit me so hard at that moment, I became mute. The thoughts in my head were repeating of the towers falling, with my biological father crying out to me, to save him. The worse part is that the country relives this nightmare every year, to pay their respect. What this country does not understand, that we (all victums) are reliving it far worse than a human should be capable of imagining. Moreover, we cannot find peace, till we are dead. (Past this decade and century were 9/11 becomes history.) I simple cannot bear typing this, and I continue to not be able to get this out of my head. This is when I was diagnosed with obsessive thoughts and acts disorder.
Nevertheless, I suffer from haphephobia and aquaphobia behaviors since birth therefore it gets challenging for me.
The last dramatic experience was recent in the year 2015 and it was of my aunt and uncle death. My uncle that was literally like they were, but they were not identical twins of my biological father, died with his wife when there home caught on fire and they were found in the kitchen burnt to death. That was a shock to me, I was managing it well till one day at my most recent place of employment.
My education was governed by the New York City Blind and Handicap Commission. I have a Diploma and they released me to the public before I was 18. I went to collage for four years, and I was unable to get pass 24 credits. I gave up and was hired at a computer store, to build E Machine. I never left this area of work, and grew with the world’s technology, and when I mean grew, I mean I cultivated. I am a human computer. My mind thinks like one, to include, my mind freezes like an application, and it also reboots itself when it feels the need too. This is who I am today.
My IQ is below normal, most would not believe that I can compute faster than the person next to me. I am not smart, but I am analytical, I have files in my head, that are very easy to store. But I do not know my multiplications and I cannot remember your name without writing it on my hands, or in a poach I wear around my neck every day. I must admit, that even I do not know if I believe it myself. However, my technology work experience, and certifications tell another story.
Because of my IQ, I cannot form a proper sentence in a mature conversation. If I am stressed, I stutter, if I am scared, I forget the English language. I also cannot compose a professional email. Nevertheless, if it was not for spell check, you would need a decoder to read my story if you don’t already need it by now. Today as an adult I was diagnose with ADHD with all three of the different types recorded by the federal government. I have been told, that I need to find work and apply for ADAAA. I have never used this, till the year 2018.
Another dramatic experience was witnessing my biological father whom was not a stranger to me, being strangled to death, in what I am going to call a house invasion. It was my homosexual father picking up a stranger and taking him home to have a one-night stand with him, and instead this man was straight and beat him to death instead and he knew and did not care that me and my sisters were an ear length away.
Another horrific and terrifying event was September 11, when the country was attacked by terrorist. This is the day when my family changed, and no one is the same today. We lost a great man, our step father whom is married to my mother. He called my mom and said he will call back when he gets out of the building. Shortly after the second plan hit the second tower. I watch that plane hit, and the entire event of my biological father dead hit me so hard at that moment, I became mute. The thoughts in my head were repeating of the towers falling, with my biological father crying out to me, to save him. The worse part is that the country relives this nightmare every year, to pay their respect. What this country does not understand, that we (all victums) are reliving it far worse than a human should be capable of imagining. Moreover, we cannot find peace, till we are dead. (Past this decade and century were 9/11 becomes history.) I simple cannot bear typing this, and I continue to not be able to get this out of my head. This is when I was diagnosed with obsessive thoughts and acts disorder.
Nevertheless, I suffer from haphephobia and aquaphobia behaviors since birth therefore it gets challenging for me.
The last dramatic experience was recent in the year 2015 and it was of my aunt and uncle death. My uncle that was literally like they were, but they were not identical twins of my biological father, died with his wife when there home caught on fire and they were found in the kitchen burnt to death. That was a shock to me, I was managing it well till one day at my most recent place of employment.
My education was governed by the New York City Blind and Handicap Commission. I have a Diploma and they released me to the public before I was 18. I went to collage for four years, and I was unable to get pass 24 credits. I gave up and was hired at a computer store, to build E Machine. I never left this area of work, and grew with the world’s technology, and when I mean grew, I mean I cultivated. I am a human computer. My mind thinks like one, to include, my mind freezes like an application, and it also reboots itself when it feels the need too. This is who I am today.
My IQ is below normal, most would not believe that I can compute faster than the person next to me. I am not smart, but I am analytical, I have files in my head, that are very easy to store. But I do not know my multiplications and I cannot remember your name without writing it on my hands, or in a poach I wear around my neck every day. I must admit, that even I do not know if I believe it myself. However, my technology work experience, and certifications tell another story.
Because of my IQ, I cannot form a proper sentence in a mature conversation. If I am stressed, I stutter, if I am scared, I forget the English language. I also cannot compose a professional email. Nevertheless, if it was not for spell check, you would need a decoder to read my story if you don’t already need it by now. Today as an adult I was diagnose with ADHD with all three of the different types recorded by the federal government. I have been told, that I need to find work and apply for ADAAA. I have never used this, till the year 2018.
This is when it all fell apart. I applied for it, and I was approved for it. And the work environment changed, and I got a different computer, and the new computer had a lot of restrictions, and all my computer tricks to get the work done became difficult, so I began to work without it. I was good at it, and I was approached to why there no records of me using the computers and I am top agent of the company. Told them I went to the school for the blind, and I do not need to read articles to fix a device for my customer whom call me for tech support. Few weeks later I was let go. But it was a program I was working for, and I was still employed, so struggled mentally with the hurt I felt from being let go on ADAAA, I was able to move on to my next position, now there is when it ended it all for me.
I was tentatively approved by all my doctors to go for a partial disability under ADA. I elected not to apply, and instead desired to be employed full time and not apply for disability. I am still not wanting to apply for disability, and it might be because I am in denial, or I am afraid of the first response that everyone is talking about. Which is when you apply for disability you get rejected the first go around.
Continuing, at this time I am not listed as disabled with social security. However, I was approved for the ADAAA again for this next program, and when it came time to be promoted yet again, all the above was noticed by my peers and supervisors, and one day I was official terminated.
This was my first termination in my entire life. Yes, I am being a child about this, but I cannot stop over obsessing on how stupid I am. So much is going through my mind, and I am unable to stop talking to myself so negativity.
I endured during my life span four dramatic events, which brought upon a family genic condition called Raynaud's Disease in Fibromyalgia, ten years to soon. I did not understand what was happening to me. This resulted in many times, me urinating in the middle of the roads, while cars were driving back and forth. I would jump out of the car and urinate. I knew what I was doing, I did not want to urinate in my car. However, I was unable to control my blatter. I would lose all feeling in my toes first, then my feet, then my ankles would swell, next thing you know it, one of my legs is simply gone. Therefore, my doctors diagnosed me with fibromyalgia and changed my diagnoses from a learning and emotional disorders to Intellectual disability with developmental disabilities.
So, now I am over obsessing over that, ADHD, ID, OCD and PTSD are my last known official diagnose other than health conditions and the Raynaud's Disease in Fibromyalgia. There are a few mental disorders being suggested, but they have not been approved by my Physiatrist. Which I pray she never does, she the only one out of my doctors, that believes my environment couple with a learning disorder is causing all my manic episodes.
Unfortunately, today I am unable to manage normal life responsibilities. At my last job, the weather turned my hands white, and my blood circulation would not return till past an hour. Many times, I was found lost behind the building and did not even know what I was doing. Raynaud’s syndrome is when the blood vessels constrict more than they should, which allows less blood to get through. That not only makes your extremities cold, it makes them extremely difficult to warm up. The most commonly affected body parts are the fingers and toes, but my lips, nose, ear lobes, legs, and nipples were affected. I started complains about this in 2014. And this experience with my last job, kicked this in gear so fast, I did not even know how bad it hit me. It would be cold out, and raining, and I would cause a ruckus in the company cause of how bad I looked.
I was tentatively approved by all my doctors to go for a partial disability under ADA. I elected not to apply, and instead desired to be employed full time and not apply for disability. I am still not wanting to apply for disability, and it might be because I am in denial, or I am afraid of the first response that everyone is talking about. Which is when you apply for disability you get rejected the first go around.
Continuing, at this time I am not listed as disabled with social security. However, I was approved for the ADAAA again for this next program, and when it came time to be promoted yet again, all the above was noticed by my peers and supervisors, and one day I was official terminated.
This was my first termination in my entire life. Yes, I am being a child about this, but I cannot stop over obsessing on how stupid I am. So much is going through my mind, and I am unable to stop talking to myself so negativity.
I endured during my life span four dramatic events, which brought upon a family genic condition called Raynaud's Disease in Fibromyalgia, ten years to soon. I did not understand what was happening to me. This resulted in many times, me urinating in the middle of the roads, while cars were driving back and forth. I would jump out of the car and urinate. I knew what I was doing, I did not want to urinate in my car. However, I was unable to control my blatter. I would lose all feeling in my toes first, then my feet, then my ankles would swell, next thing you know it, one of my legs is simply gone. Therefore, my doctors diagnosed me with fibromyalgia and changed my diagnoses from a learning and emotional disorders to Intellectual disability with developmental disabilities.
So, now I am over obsessing over that, ADHD, ID, OCD and PTSD are my last known official diagnose other than health conditions and the Raynaud's Disease in Fibromyalgia. There are a few mental disorders being suggested, but they have not been approved by my Physiatrist. Which I pray she never does, she the only one out of my doctors, that believes my environment couple with a learning disorder is causing all my manic episodes.
Unfortunately, today I am unable to manage normal life responsibilities. At my last job, the weather turned my hands white, and my blood circulation would not return till past an hour. Many times, I was found lost behind the building and did not even know what I was doing. Raynaud’s syndrome is when the blood vessels constrict more than they should, which allows less blood to get through. That not only makes your extremities cold, it makes them extremely difficult to warm up. The most commonly affected body parts are the fingers and toes, but my lips, nose, ear lobes, legs, and nipples were affected. I started complains about this in 2014. And this experience with my last job, kicked this in gear so fast, I did not even know how bad it hit me. It would be cold out, and raining, and I would cause a ruckus in the company cause of how bad I looked.
Why did this happen. I worked for a call canter and they had bed bugs, and everyone came in and out like it was ok, I was scared, but I did the same thing. I had to take my clothing off at my front door of my house, outside, and put it in a plastic bag, and walk in naked. And wear clean cloths the next day out. I did this for two months till one day a bed bug was right in front of me, the guy next to me saw it, we all pulled out cell phones and we recorded it. I seemed fine, and I thought I was fine. I went home that day, two hours past my end of shift, I was lost driving and could not find my home. I started seeing skin fall from the air (when it was dust really in my house) It will fall on my shoulders, and that was the memory of ground zero in New York City. My husband pushed me to work, and I would go, and guess what, I was promoted, to the next level of tech support again, this time I stood around. I had to take a test, and I am sitting in the same cubicle and all I did was obsessive over everything around me. Then they pulled me in office, said because you are ADAAA we must put you in a testing environment that you will be comfortable in. So, they try that, but little they knew it was my head that was messed up, with the bedbugs. They put me in a small room, and I was in there all by myself, and dear lord, I do not even remember anything in there. So, with that said, 70 questions test one I got 30 right, test two I got 42 right test three I got 56 right all open book test. Passing was 70 and they let me go. They said it was not going to work out, and I agreed with them, as at this point, I was done. I have not been to work since, and I have not left my house since.
When working with companies with peers treating you like your stupid for years, and not understanding me, that I prefer to mentor someone or teach someone and not manage someone, and I get the look of, a loser instead. I finally stopped working at the age of 45 and gave myself to the world. I now am happy working without a boss. Although I eat waffles every day with peanut butter and a real good cold glass of chocolate milk, leaving me hungry every day but I cannot be anymore happier. I feel I will live longer this way.
When working with companies with peers treating you like your stupid for years, and not understanding me, that I prefer to mentor someone or teach someone and not manage someone, and I get the look of, a loser instead. I finally stopped working at the age of 45 and gave myself to the world. I now am happy working without a boss. Although I eat waffles every day with peanut butter and a real good cold glass of chocolate milk, leaving me hungry every day but I cannot be anymore happier. I feel I will live longer this way.
Many say I will not, as I have attached myself to helping others as a coping mechanizing and should seek the help of doctors. This may be true, but I cannot afford doctors no more. So, what do I do, in the meantime? Well I want to help you all. This blog is a landing page, for some who want to contact me, if they need any help. This message is me telling you, who I am, and it is up to you if you want me to help you.
Know my heart and soul is in this, and I will not stop till I resolve your issue with your concerns, products, services or devices. I also can help you, if you need support mentally. I have experienced so much, and I could obtain creditable resources. You can trust in me, as I will not let you down. There is always an answer to a problem. There is always a solution to a problem. There is no such thing as a problem, because there is always a solution.
Thank you for visiting and you have the best years to come.
